Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*