[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Coffee is ready.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.