Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I’m putting together a team
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg