[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
LMAO
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.