Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.