Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
You Might Also Like
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I am HOWLING at this
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My work here is don’t.
So creative 😂
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.