I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
also my go-to takeaway order
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!