Tell the colonel to bring it
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”