A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
waiting for halloween be like:
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”