i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
#FunnyLife Insects
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.