Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong