An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
bout dat hot dog summer
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
mood
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Goat cheese is for herders.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok