I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.