Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.