it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
🙄😏😂🤣
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The Struggle
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.