Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.