My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.