Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.