Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka