“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.