The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.