Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what