[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.