Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.