There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .