I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me