I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
You Might Also Like
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
True freaking story!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.