About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?