babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.