Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”