HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …