Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed