Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.