Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
beware of dog
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy