We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
This is me
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Yes, but it was never about money
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣