My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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#ProTip
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Happy thanksgiving!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial