It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Hitlers gonna hitl