Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
That’s fair
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.