Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You Might Also Like
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.