I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.