Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill