“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
the last thing a carrot sees
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.