Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
As the Lord intended
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Y’all ready for this
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No