Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.