SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!