My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.