Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket