Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.