[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
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Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.