Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….